i've had it.
almost a little more.

and i'll crumble and fall
and down to my knees
i'll fall.
but You hold me up
give me strength to live on
and fight.

You hold my world in the palm of your hands.
You lift me up when i fall.
You see each tear that fall
and each dream that i have
and my fears You calm them.

You take it all away.
You take it all away.


take take take.

and i shall go and sleep.

hopefully my dreams will take me somewhere there.

and yeah my love for you is blind.
cause i couldn make u see it.
couldn make you see it
and i love u more
than u'll ever know
when part of me died
when i let u go

lifehouse.

Labels: pick me up when i fall.

12:44 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

day one of work work.

and im so so tired.
mentally and emotionally. and physically.
but it was so fulfiling.

best experience with demented pt.

and horizontal violence had never been more real.
it really hurts.
when you hear someone talk about you in such a demeaning tone and voice.
when you dint even know what to do.
and just wanted to please them quickly without asking qns.
shoots la.
i shall ask and look carefully.
and spare myself the degrading tones and words that just cut.

just a student nurse. so it doesn't matter.
use me like a rag doll.

maybe im being too sensitive.

go in one ear,
come out the other.

cut cut cut.
they did.
sigh.
never knew it could hurt so much.
talked to a pt n nearly cried it out.

and the pt was so demanding too.
realised that we should all just laugh it off.
they dont mean it anw.
and in the end, just ensure that they do have the proper care.

brings to mind all the diff kinds of ppl.
some just simply say words that hurt, and leave you.
jeer at you.
some say, and forget all about it.
verbal abuse.
they use you like a rag and just throw you aside.

i didnt know it would ask and require so much of a person.
to love.
is to really look beyond what you can just see with your physical eyes.
and love the person for who they are.
and who God created them to be,
and the people around you,
might just treat them the same.
leave them,
taunt and jeer you for no apparent reason.
selfish reasons of their own.
but your job is to just love.
and love selflessly.

i'm beginning to see how difficult it is.
and how much it requires.
how did i even survive.

i thank You.

din't eat for 7 hours straight.
or drink a sip of water.
just rushed here and there.
changed diapers.
wipe shit.
wipe ppl.
change clothes.
throw dirty linen.
smelt the worse smell.
seen the most interesting wound i've seen so far.
a BKA (below knee amputation) with exudate and a gaping wound cause the suture/stitch wasnt done properly and the wound started to have exudate. a stump below the knee.

wow.

and i'm amazed i still am able to type this at this time of the night.
did my reflections. so much.
too much in one day?
no.
you never let me go thru beyond what i can bear.
thank you so so much.

and i look forward to my off tmr.

sighs.

why are there so many things in my head.
get out.

so much.
so much.


and the worst part
was that i din't even know.

i'll do whatever it takes
to turn this around
i know that its hard
but we'll work this out

Labels: bring me to my knees, Lord i lay me down.

1:37 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i'm trying my best.
i really am.

but i'm at a point i can't figure out where to go.
what to do.
my feet cannot move on.

my heart just wants to bleed and stop,
stop believing in me.

but it's You in me.
Your Courage asks me what i'm afraid of.

this lack of competency.
lack of being able to help, carry, lift.
perform a task.
or help.
in any way.


and everyone justs forsakes you.
leaves you.
thinks you are stronger than you are.
and you can only smile,
put on that front.
pretend everything is alright.
when everything is just crashing
and crumbling to the floor.

what happend to the joy?
what happend to everything that i thought and hoped that it would be.
is everything just an aimless and pointless futile attempt?

when you try your best but you don't succeed.

and everyone is just,
do this.
do that.
why aren't you doing this.
or that.

i can't take it much longer.

but You make me stronger.
for when i am weak,
You are strong.

and what do i do when i see practices i don't approve.
things said and mentioned,
things did in private.
things done without much thought.
it hurts.
them as much as me.

stigma.
society draws a spit circle around you.
and when you step an inch out of it,
it crushes you.
annihilates.
til there s nothing left.

so much more can be done for AIDs patients.
why the stigma.
and the self-stigma.
the abuse.
the violence.
and i see that coming to us as well.
or to me.
the self withdrawal that they go through.
isolation.
and everything that we verbally mentioned.
and fong lin wrote on the board.

i need to run.
run
run.
the escapist in me desperately attempts to fight.
to fight and win the battle.

battle between body, soul and spirit.

what battle am i fighting?
and what thoughts are going through my head?

i cannot decipher.
i cannot comprehend.
but my mind is just shutting itself out from everything else.
and i fear.

but Your Courage asked me what i was afraid of.

i dont know i don't know.
ahh.

take me away.
i've got nothing left to say.
just take me away.

and it all boils down to how i'm living my life for You.
and whether im loving You with all my heart, soul and mind.
with all these fears and insecurities,
to You be the highest glory.

this is my prayer in the desert,
when all that's within me feels dry.
this is my prayer in my hunger and need.
my God is a God who provides.

this is my prayer in the battle
when triumph is still on it's way
i know a faith proved to be more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flame

i will bring praise
i will bring praise
no weapon formed against me shall remain
i will rejoice
i will declare
God is my victory and He is here.

all of my life
in every season
You are still God
i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship.

Labels: i will bring praise.

10:26 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i want to thank you living God.

horizontal violence.
hmm.
i want to avoid that.
seems like more of these days,
i'm getting lost in my own world,
hardly commnucating what is on my mind.
but then,
it is like the bottle that wants to pour itself into anothr tt is already filled.
it cant be poured.

and i keep losing and findin myself in dreams.
and i am too lost in my thoughts to know what i'm thinking.
or what i'm feeling.
but it just feels like a big blob.

horizontal violence.
keeps coming to my head.
yee.
shoo.
i already see it happening.
and im glad gabriel chin knew what i was talkin about.
i never knew it would be so tough.
so difficult.
and i guess its hard to have anyone realise much about it.

it was like a closing to one chapter of her life.
but the page was torn.
and it was a shock.
the question that came into my mind.
seems ridiculous.
seemed ridiculous.
but if only it was considered an option.

and nowadays, im wonderin more and more about why they do not seem to bother or care. but i guess, its not to be worth the time spent on?
so much to do.
and sighs.
i feel like i can't move on anymore.
i'm maxed out.
am i?

or am i finding ways and reasons to disqualify myself?

i'm trying to tell it apart,
pick apart the logic.
pull apart,
diffirentiate the grains.
on this piece of cloth-
with all its indiviual names.

okay.
my eyes are closing.

wishing i could just see you.

open the eyes of my heart Lord.

2:02 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

why did i dream again?

it wasn't a bad dream though,
a rather happy one.
but i would rather not have dreamt it.

sighs.

Lord, Lord.
why does it get harder.
and it feels like i've got a million more things to think and do.
not worry,
because i don't want to be anxious.

Lord i feel so small and so alone.

12:11 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

SO PRETTYYY.
i want to buy one!!!

exams are over.
i dont know why,
but i din't feel the joy of it.
feel like im so caught.
nvm.
i shall RANT ON HOW I WANT A UKELELE.
IT IS THAT PRETTY THING UP THERE.

you know, i want to own one,
and learn it fast and well.
and play it.
and master it.
and go and apply for my busking license.
and sing sing sing at orchard road or something.
i want to hunt for it.
a nice pretty one.
haha any one want to sponsor me??

grins.

fat hope huh.
i told dad and he was, "no la. dont waste money."
)):
totally killed my hope of him buying one for me.
i owe him so much still for my lappie and my hostel fees.
bummer.



i have alot to think about.
these past few weeks.
and suddenly im too tired to talk about it.
sighs.

she's stronger than that.
it was over.
but the battle continued in her head.
in her mind,
playing on her emotions over and over again.
like the sea that tosses its waves to and fro.
laughin with glee and scorn.
while its remnants crash to the ground,
and against the rock.

had the battle been won?
it didn't seem that way.
becausr they plagued her still.

it seemed like time suddenly flew past.
and she found herself so tired.
her mind could not write anymore.
stared at the paper.
dumbfounded.
seems like everything just doesn't want to come out.
stuck somewhere in the recesses of her mind.
and she thinks,
ponders,
wonders for the thousandth time.
why is she doing all this?
for whom?
for what?
why is it so so hard?
and no matter how many times she tried,
it seemed like she's just falling again,
and again.
the tears cannot come.
they've dried up long ago.

laugh, she does.
she cannot hold back a smile for long.
and tosses her head to the wind.
it's time.
and pens down the details.
and checks carelessly.
what does it matter anymore?
the exterior is finer than the inner?
and she makes the call.

"okay, i'll be there.
wait for me."

and off.
to the winds she goes.

to a place that held familarity.
and yet,
a stranger-ness.
a sense of "i don't really bother about you do i?"
and she sighs.
knowing the inner One loves her more than anything else.

"i have to learn to be content with that."



the swine flu.
it gets on my nerves.
why do u have to come this time?
and mess up everything.\

but You are still sovereign.
over all.
dad is right.
we never know what might happen in dec.
and now.
clinicals.

somebody save me please.
i'm drowning in my own thoughts and weird thinkings.
ughhh.
and i want to love.
selfless-ly.
unconditionally.
help me.

i want a ukelele, pretty please.

i want You.

Labels: ukelele please.

1:14 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Father,
forgive me for relying on my own strength,
and for being proud in my own eyes.

may the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable
in Your sight O Lord,
my strength,
my Redeemer.

psalm 19.

2:16 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

stop stop stop.

die to self
die to self
die to self.

3 more days
3 more days
3 more days.

stop
stop
stop.

somebody kill me ahh.

to keep Your lovely face
ever before my eyes
this is my prayer
make it a strong desire
that in my secret heart
no other love competes
no rival throne survives
for i serve only You.



break my heart from what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your kingdom's cause
heal my heart and make it clean.



it is so wretched.

look beyond yourself,
and see.
the world that is in need of a Saviour,
in need of His love.
help me.
to look beyond,
to be selfless.
to love.

like You did.
because right now,
i need it.

embrace me,
fill me.
wash over me.

i cannot walk on.
my heart has already failed.
be my heartbeat.


arrhythmias.
tachycardia.
bradycardia.

ECG is driving me nuts.
i don't know how to read it.
YET.
i shall master the art of reading it.
understanding it.

the drug names are flying around in my head.
they sound familiar.

montelukast,
zafirlukast.
they are the aliens that conquer asthma.
and i cannot remb their mechanism of action.
arghh.

trust
trust
trust.

Labels: i sneezed.

12:40 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i dreamt.
again.

it was a real nightmare.
my fears consumed me.
i woke not moving at all,
and feeling all heated within.
like fire burned me,
and i was still in it.

we walked into a store,
playing and admiring toys,
and of course we had our friends along.
and then,
you saw her,
and your expression changed.
and my mind has to play the third person.
the both of you exchanged words,
had a thrash-out session in the store.
as words were exchanged,
i drew back horrified,
knowing where the conversation would lead to,
and what would happen.
and then,
it happened.
the both of you turned towards me.
with that stare,
and the words that came out.

"you. caused it."

you.

and my heart dropped.
crumbled.
fell to the ground.
shattered.

and i woke.
feeling all heated.
scared.
afraid.
that it might come true.


is a taunt,
a mockery
that you threw at me?

im out.
emotionally,
mentally,
physically.
cannot take it any more.

c'mon.
just kill me and get over and done with it.

but you are the warrior.
you can't take it lying down.
pick up your sword,
and battle.
wield it.
swing it.
fight.

smile and lift your head up high.
and pretend nothing is wrong.

you will fight.
and not back down.
run on,
and not fall.


stupid lizard that is making noise.
i am not amused with cikapman.
on the contrary, it is quite annoying.

i never knew i could be so annoyed with people who play music outloud on their phones.
or be so irritated with people making noises and talking loudly when i am studying.
the ugly side of me is unleashed.
watch it.


not in the best of moods nowadays.

don't know what i started at the beginning of the week ended up with.
seems to have all fallen apart.
and at the end of the day,
what do i live for?
why do i do the things i do?



sometimes, its not just the exams that drive me nuts.
but me, myself,
and the world.

think i'm losing it.

oh please,
bring me back to sanity.

and at the end of this,
i'll just laugh and smile to myself.

hey! it's just your mind that plays around,
and it all ain't a matter.
its just forgotten,
and pushed beneath the carpet.
its alright, really.
nothing to worry about."


Tuhan, tolong.

Labels: what a lie.

12:44 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

tell me im not up at this hour.
tell me i haven't been doing this for the past few days.
tell me i don't have alot to study.
tell me that i am able to grab my bagpack and fly to anywhere i want to go.


Your mercy found me
upon the broken road
and lifted me beyond my failings
into Your glory
my sin and shame dissolved
and now forever Yours i'll stand
in love, never to end
to call You more than Lord
Glorious Friend

so i'll throw my life upon
all that You are
cause i know You gave it all for me
when all else fades
my soul will dance with You
where the love lasts forever


what a timely song.
that reminds me.
that your love for me never fails.
when all i feel sometimes is me struggling by myself.
thank you for never leaving me,
never forsaking me.

i wonder.
why those who don't know You,
can sometimes care more,
and love more,
than those who say they know You.

isn't it so sad,
to know that we're so self-absorbed sometimes?
or too critical in our thinking,
too quick to judge
and comment and criticise?

i pray,
that i would repent of this.
and not fall into the same traps.

so i begin again,
again the healing bow.
water covers sand
blood covers doubt.
purfiy my heart
cleanse me from within
and make me holy
because You are holy.


refine.
purge.
cleanse.
break.
it's going to hurt even more,
but i count all as loss.
compared to knowing You,
and loving You.

help me get past this.

tell me.

Labels: why do you love me so?

4:12 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-